Remember the 90’s cult classic movie that disgusted you to no end? It’s the very same one you watched despite having to sit uncomfortably through most of the movie and caused you to jump at the slightest brush of anything against your bare skin. Now you’re either thinking of the movie Willard or Joe’s Apartment, but between the two, we all know that the latter features the more disturbing pest — simply because cockroaches, unlike rats, can fly out of nowhere.
Although you loathed the whole idea of the movie, you sat through it to the end because at least a microscopic sliver of your consciousness was interested to see what would happen to—not Joe—the cockroaches. Up to this day, you still don’t understand why Joe didn’t even bother to call pest control! You would’ve, right? And this mere difference between you and him just strengthens the fact that the silly film is a total work of fiction.
What else? Here are still a few:
sadly said a roach about humans not accepting their friendship. There is some truth to this, but it’s mostly off-base. We don’t smush first, we scream first. And then we smush. Isn’t that why you call your buff big bro to knock the living daylights out of any unwanted pesky visitor in your room? Funny, because then he’d swat your boyfriend with a rolled up magazine. But seriously, the moment we see a creepy crawly in our room, we either call for help or spring into action. Most people would not rest until that one roach they spot is dead. But nope, Joe just eventually gives up and befriends them instead. Go figure.
That’s because, in the film, they can sing, dance, and speak. If they do that in real life, that would be the creepiest thing in the world. And you know if that ever happens, that the apocalypse is near. Doom shall befall us all.
We can all agree that it’s enough that the legged coffee beans, ruler of our nightmares, keep their hush. If they ever spoke to us —and imagine them having deep husky voices— our nightmares would be so fueled that our heads would burn in our sleep. There is an upside to them having voices though. We can hear them coming, for one. They’ll also be fun little things to bring to show and tell. Just imagine if you taught them a few languages, accents, and jokes! And what if you also taught a roach to be polite. Now they’d just be cuties!
But we digress.
Remember near the end where Joe’s bro roaches built a whole garden from scratch, in a snap? Now try to wait for your home roaches to do the same thing. All they do is live in the damp, dark corners of your house during the day, and then take a stroll through your kitchen at night. Neither can they process paperwork from the city hall, really, and do you know why? Because they don’t have thumbs, let alone green thumbs. True story.
No parent is that cruel. That is unless the word “shit” means something entirely different from its meaning in the English dictionary, say, maybe something close to “the chosen one”. In that case, it may be good to pass that shit! Unfortunately, Walter Shit still had to live with the name in America … at least, in the movie.
It’s obviously for comical relief, but still, it’s as fictional as fire-breathing pandas that glow in the dark.
Wait, what if the Shits do exist? Well then, this is one point for you, Joe’s Apartment!
Can they? Can they really be? Have you run out of people to hang out with? If so, then this might be true, especially since roaches outnumber humans by a value of something to one—no one really knows how many, as roaches do breed thousands by the second. If on the other hand, you can’t stomach living in your roach-infested home any day more, then roaches are far from being your best amigos. And stop trying!
In real life, only pest control can save the day.
Do you have any other qualms regarding the film Joe’s Apartment? Or broadway cockroaches in general? Rant about them on the comments section below!